Review: UnEnchanted

Meet Mina Grime.
Mina is a unpopular, she's so uncoordinated she makes Bella Swan look like a master of grace and she's unlucky (although, not in the way she thinks).
After a field trip goes awry, Mina ends up almost killing (and then saving) the boy of her dreams, and is consequently thrust into the world of popularity. Her new found limelight brings an old family curse into play, for Mina is a descendent of the brothers Grimm and is destined to fight the evil stories that are trying to kill her.

Every once in a while, I get a reading request that is a bit worrying. This was one of those times, as a free e-book though I can't really complain, but I will anyway. (I should probably mention I read this with a friend and we discussed our reactions in real-time.)*

I really liked the idea of a curse like this, as darker sides of fairy tales is a personal favourite of mine. There is nothing in this world I hate more than a good idea that is poorly executed.

You know something is wrong when the characters are so flat and unlikable, not even borrowing obvious traits from other book series help plump them up. (We even had a Snape moment, you guys. Turns out Mina's father James is a no good, arrogant, imbecile too!)
We also have the two polar opposite boys to help form the love triangle: the brooding misunderstood rich kid, and the quintessential leather jacket clad, motorcycle riding, bad boy. He's also brooding. The minor characters are no different, really. Same unlikability, in different bodies. It almost doesn't need to be thought about.
They all have their roles, and stick to them rigidly, the boys spend their entire time saving the damsel in distress, fighting with each other and mooning over their emotionally unavailable object of affection. Even Mina was tiresome for someone who, for a lack of better phrasing, should have been learning to kick some serious ass. She spends most of her time being stubborn, unreasonable and feeling ridiculously inadequate to every single person around her. It was entirely unbecoming, I was half hoping she'd get killed off and we'd be allowed to see her mute younger brother get a piece of the action.

The character jumping in this book was the least of my problems, although trying to figure out who's point of view I was looking at did leave me with a migraine. The plot and writing style ranged from dire to unintentional hilarity and I found I was trapped between a rock and a hard place (or in this case, grimacing and howling with laughter). You don't have to be a master of grammar to understand the basic concepts, the amount of typos borderlines worrying. My all-time favourite incident being, "Mina, they're coming over her!"  The plot holes were many and the editing was questionable at best- I was led to wonder if anyone had actually proof read it at all.
Where it lacked in grammatical correctness, it all but made up for it in the sheer abundance of misinformation and general ridiculousness. A special mention here goes to the casual racism in the form of Mr and Mrs Wong, who not only own the Chinese restaurant underneath Mina's apartment but are guilty of more spoonerisms than William Archibald Spooner himself.

There was so much wrong with this book, that I ended up loving it for all the wrong reasons. It is, in short, an exquisite guilty pleasure and I just can't wait for the sequel. I hope is just as irksome as this one. If you want to join in on the fun, you can download the e-book here.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

*Thanks for making all the live reaction readings bearable, Emma!

Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

I managed to procure this book from a friend (apparently, they're sold out everywhere) this week after I had an alarming amount of people ask me if I'd read it and my thoughts.
I know the hype around this book, as I'm sure everyone else does; a-once-Twilight-fan-fiction-re-worked-into-original-prose; fantastic sex. Most people/reviewers seem to be split right down the middle either passionately loving or hating it in equal measure. There was only one way to settle it in my mind. I had to read it.

Bella Swan Anastasia Steele is a 21-year-old university student on the brink of graduation, she's plain, clumsy, innocent, naive and completely unsure of herself. She has to interview the elusive Edward Cullen Christian Grey, the CEO of a multi-million dollar company on behalf of her sick friend, he instantly takes a shining to her and we get ourselves into the beginnings of a D/s (BDSM) relationship. 

The biggest issue I seem to have with this book is the negative portrayal of D/s relationships in general. Christian is portrayed as a monster, to be a Big D (Dominant not Dudley Dursely) doesn't necessarily mean you were a victim of trauma. (In the book he does have baggage naturally. I'm guessing the fanfic would have pointed towards Edward not having a soul.) Ana is perfectly 'normal' so enjoying her role as a submissive must mean she has issues of her own surely? Trying to change Grey's natural choices to a more acceptable (vanilla) one seems wrong to me. It's not a subculture for no reason, it's not for everyone.
D/s relationships are based on a mutual absolute trust and absolute choice. When done right I can't imagine there being wrongful abuse; Ana knew what she was getting into, though perhaps may not have fully understood her own choice and reactions. Similarly, Christian seems to impose his lifestyle on her without her express consent- it's an absurdity considering how well versed he seems to be in it.   It's so obviously abuse at some points, it was uncomfortable to read and not at all erotic.

Then there's how closely it resembles Twilight. Anyone who tells you otherwise is blind, or lying to themselves. We have Ana, the clumsy object of every male's desire but-she-doesn't-know-it; Christian, who is obsessed with keeping her safe, has a problem with what she drives and is fiercely overprotective and jealous; Jose the dark skinned, black haired friend who she has no interest in no matter what his feelings are.

Let's not forget how simply inconceivable it is. Ana, a near graduate student at college; doesn't own a laptop and doesn't have an email address. In fact, she uses her journalist friend's laptop when she requires it. What? Anyone who has been through higher education knows how far in life you get without a laptop. Walking on water is easier to achieve than a undergraduate degree without Microsoft Word.
Her character generally is a grating one, especially when it comes to voicing her limited opinions about sex. James has her nicknaming condoms 'foil packets' and gave her the insufferable habit of calling her vagina 'down there'. As a rule of thumb, if you're mature enough to do it, you're mature enough to say it. 

I have to hand it to the author though, she has certainly mastered the fine art of Meyer's repetition in her prose. I have all the 'murmurings', 'mutterings' and 'lips pursed into straight lines' I could ever hope for and some new ones to boot.
My two absolute favourites, Ana's own and frequently mentioned inner goddess who has an insatiable libido- incidentally one that ends up in one of her many shattering orgasms. Ana shatters so much I could only see it in the manner of Humpty Dumpty, although unlike him I don't think all the King's horses and all the King's men will be able to put this poor girl back together again.

As for the sex? Well, I've had better. As far as smut goes I've read fantastic sex scenes in stories with infinitely better plot lines. Where the sex is indeed secondary to the story and not the only thing worth reading. I would love to see some of these authors with original works in bookstores everywhere

I gave the book a one star review, it's not overly generous but it is- in my humble opinion; perfectly justified. This truthfully, was a bit of a car crash read; it was poorly edited, littered with grammatical and even spelling mistakes and it's written terribly but still I found myself powering through it in a single afternoon. I put its single star down to some of the unintentionally hilarious scenarios. "Oh shit. It's my mother."

I do however, implore the author to change the name to Fifty Ways To Sate Your Inner Goddess. It would make me so happy and definitely soften the blow of this book overthrowing the Potter series as the fastest selling paperback, ever.

RATING: ★☆☆☆☆

Review: The Boy With the Cuckoo-Clock Heart

I'd be lying if I said my eyes didn't gobble up the cover of this book in a single blink. Originally, it was bought for my sister's birthday and I couldn't wait to get my greedy little hands on it. 

Set in Edinburgh, 1874. It's the coldest night the world has ever seen and Little Jack has just been born; with a frozen heart. Doctor Madeleine, a lady who drinks her own tears, fits Jack with a cuckoo-clock heart; a device that must be wound up everyday to keep him alive.
Translated into English from its original French, this book quite simply oozes beauty. The imagery on the first page alone made my expectations rise exponentially. "Edinburgh and its steep streets are being transformed. Fountains metamorphose, one by one, into bouquets of ice." 

I expected a dark gothic fairy tale, but what I got was far from it and it wasn't just the anomalies of mentioning the World Cup Finals and Charles Manson in a story set in 1874. I simply couldn't connect with with the protagonist, his love interest or his overbearing adoptive mother.
The romance in the story began much too quickly for my liking, I found myself needing to read it in very small doses. Jack's feelings for the heel stomping diva Miss Acacia turned from puppy love to a sickly obsession in a matter of lines.

I was made to endure every flutter of Acacia's parasol eyes and every cringey metaphor or Jack's cuckoo-heart/penis within the first five chapters. I was beginning to hate my love for poetic imagery. "I'm sitting here alone on my bed, trying to relieve my aching clock by squeezing the gears between my fingers." 
Although warming this old romantic's heart, I found this to be a very difficult read. Usually a book of this size would take me less than half a day to read, but it took 3.
In the end (apart from being beautifully written) what really kept me reading and the additional factor to my final rating, the quirky, love sick lothario and clockmaker Georges Melies. (Who, incidentally is based on the REAL LIFE Georges Melies.) I found him charming, I wish there was LOTS more of him. 

RATING: ★★☆☆☆